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  • Kelly K.

What to Expect, a first Alanon Meeting

One persons story...

Walking in through the doors of Al-Anon was one of the hardest things I had ever done. This meeting thing was not my idea of how I wanted to spend an evening, and certainly not my idea of fun. The truth was none of the days in my life looked like the way I had them planned out in my mind. My world was crashing down around me, hard. My loved ones were imploding, my relationships were damaged or non-existent...this was because I had become laser focused on my alcoholic loved one, and the behaviors that resulted from his or her 'disease.'

I hated that word 'disease' when I first walked through the doors. Disease sounded like a cop out, like they (the alcoholic) didn't have to be accountable for their choices. It was their choices, after all, that were messing with my program, with my life! Though, here I was walking through the doors, terrified I was losing control. The cold hard truth, I never had control, and I would soon find that I was powerless too.

Powerless and no control? Those thoughts terrified me. In fact, it is possible; those concepts scared me more than the thought of losing my loved one. Crazy. In my mind if I was powerless, and I didn't remain in control, to me that meant my loved one would certainly be doomed to death. This death would most certainly follow after a few years in prison for all the horrible acts he or she had done, real or imagined. Then, I'd imagine, in a drunken rage or liquored up party binge he or she would be killed in a horrible and tragic accident at the young age of 17, without a cell phone (so I must keep paying for it since he or she will need to call for help, and won't possibly be able to call for that help without the phone that I MUST pay for.) Survived year 17, so now at 23, no, maybe it's going to happen next time now that he or she's 26 yrs...on and on it would go in my head minute by minute -daily, weekly, monthly, annually. He or she would drink, and I would feel the effects and react.

I reacted (never responded) in many different ways, but immediately my life would become unmanageable once again. Unmanageability became a daily state within which I dwelt. Unmanageability, that's a post for another day.

I have something to tell you before I go...For me it's been almost 4 years, and as I reflect back on that 1st day, it's just never where I thought I'd end up going that day, through the doors of an Al-Anon meeting, but I can say with my whole heart. it is right where I needed to be! You are not alone, and if you are reading this, I urge you to find a meeting near you and walk through the door. I've attended hundreds of meetings over the last few years, and I've never once heard anyone say, "I regret coming to Alanon." Though I've heard many a person state, "they wished they'd walked through the door sooner."

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